I've been thinking alot about tattoos recently. Well, not recently. Maybe for the past 3 to 4 years. Senior year --possibly junior year!-- of high school, two of my best friends got tattoos. Kelsey, my super cool "artsy" friend, got her first tattoo. It was her brother's name (Benjamin) in Hebrew between her shoulder blades. No, he isn't dead. She has to answer that question a lot. And no, she isn't jewish. Her brother in turn has her name in Hebrew on his chest. For them, this was a physical symbol of their bond as siblings. After a rough childhood, they promised to always be there for each other. Kelsey and HER MOM got matching, itty bitty heart tattoos on their ankles during our senior year. This is super rad.
My grandfather told me that God hates tattoos (see some verse in Deuteronomy). Not rad. Wait till he (never) finds out my brother and uncle both have memorial tatts planned when he passes.
My friend Travis got a tribal-ish symbol tattooed on his upper back, that I think was an African symbol for God's promises...? Or life. Something God related.
By the end of high school, I thought tattoos were pretty rad, but, being the serious, sensible girl that I am, I always said that I wouldn't get one of my own unless I found something for serious I would want. No tinkerbells or tweetys on this chick. My first plan of action was partly inspired by Project Runway. Adorable Kit had a Heart and Crossbones on the front of her shoulder, just outside of the bra strap. I wanted to get a small fleur-de-lis in the same place. I love and speak the French language, I love French film and literature and basically everything French is better, in my opinion. And I wanted to study abroad in France. My mom laughed at my plans.
College started. I met one cool chick who had several tattoos. She peaced out very quickly. The cool ones always do. Lots of girls have their noses pierced, including life partner Michelle. I'd like to get my nose pierced, but my family thinks I'm crazy. Cut to church services at home, where late forties moms have their noses pierced. Yeah. Several more friends from home get some spiffy forearm tattoos. Kelsey is collecting ink work like its her job, and Travis gets a giant rib piece.
Summer 2008. Spending lonnnng hours doing little at work. Much like I am now, without the benefit of blogging. Start using flickr to cruise tattoo pictures. After reading a lot about the meaning of the lotus flower, I start really digging the idea of a lotus tattoo. The lotus symbolizes something beautiful rising out of hardship, ugliness, and trials, because the flower grows from the mud of pond bottoms, through the water, and breaks the surface. I wanted to get a lotus tattooed on the back of my neck. If you've read my post about body image, you know that I really struggled with pride in my body and had poor body image. My reasoning was that even though I didn't always see it, my beauty was always present, just like my lotus tattoo.
I was dead set on getting this tattoo done. I made plans with friends to drive to the big city nearby as soon as sophomore year started. I told my mom about it. I was SO excited. The night before I moved back to college, my mom asked me not to get a tattoo. She asked for me to wait out of respect for her and my father, and to wait until I was paying for college myself. I agreed, because she asked me, and didn't command me. I was frustrated that she waited until the last possible moment to say something.
(To the right you can see the exact picture I wanted to base my lotus tattoo off of!)
I still would really like to get this tattoo some day.
Then, March 2009. I got my first tattoo. Spontaneously, which is a word I very rarely come in contact with. Life Partner Michelle and I were up late, and discussing a lot of big issues things. Its hard for anyone other than the two of us to understand how important our friendship is and all the stuff we went through together that year. But, at approx 4 in the morning, we decided to get tattoos. The next day. We skipped classes and went to the nearest non-shadester tattoo parlor. I went first. My tattoo says "No matter what..." and resides on the top of my left foot. Michelle's says "Love is everything" and is on the instep of her left foot. I guess its easiest to call them something lame like BFF tattoos, but they mean so much more than that. "No matter what..." means a lot of things specific to me, as does Michelle's to her. Together, they mean something lovely, but their individual meanings are probably more important.
I had this tattoo for a while before telling my parents. I even wore socks all Easter break at home. I didn't want to have to hide it from them. When I finally told them, it came along with some other worrying news about my stress levels and feeling depressed. Its kind of sad, because those other unrelated, and already resolved, worries are paired with my tattoo in my parents mind. They thought I was doing it to be assertive (a little true), they thought I was "trying to find myself" (true) in the wrong ways (I disagree), and they thought that I was investing too much in friendship that they thought would never last, not because of M., but because "you don't stay friends with people you go to college with" (like, seriously. w.t.f.). After a summer of family therapy, I think we might understand each other a little better. Also, I've learned that I can't always please everyone, including my parents. Which is hard. We don't see eye-to-eye about tattoos. Basically, my parents think they're fine on other people, just not on me. We've NEVER talked about what my tattoo means, except for a weak explanation when I originally told them. That makes me sad too, because its so beautiful and I treasure it as part of me.
Oh, and, they stopped paying for college. I think it was a scare tactic trying to get me to come home and not go back to school this fall. Instead, I opted to do loans all on my own. Sans co-signer, even. But my mom did buy all of my back to school needs. And they bought me some clothes. Bark is worse than the bite?
My dad worries how my tattoo would affect me getting a job. Seriously, people!!! Unless you're getting a tattoo on your hands, neck, or face, basically any other tattoo can be covered by careful dressing. My foot tattoo is almost always on display, true, because it basically curls around the edge of a ballet flat. My boss just realized, after me working for 2 and a half months, that I had a tattoo on my foot. His response: "Cool." Me: "Yeah, it makes me happy." Boss: "That's all that matters!" Me: "OHMYGOD TELL MY DAD THAT!"
But if I was in a workplace where I couldn't show a tattoo, well, I'd be wearing something that doesn't show a tattoo anyway. Like, a suit? A cardigan, like I already wear almost every day of my life?? Hey, sleeve tattoo. Meet the oxford button-down. BAM! INSTA-CONSERVATISM! Sometimes I worry about having tattoos and getting married. Do I want lots of tatts in my wedding photos? Then I look at offbeat brides and think, hellz yes!
Do I want to one day be a tattooed mommy? What if other mommy's judge me and think that I'll badly influence their babies? Answer still resides in cardigans. Good thing I don't like warm climates. Really, dressing to cover up a tattoo doesn't bother me. I didn't get my tattoo to make anyone else happy or to piss any one else off. So if its going to better aid me to cover it up, I'll cover it up. I can always take off the jacket at home, light some candles, and gaze at my tattoo while humming "secret lovers." Cause, yes, I do love my tattoo that much.
What if I become a saggy grandma?? Well, that's reason number 854 why I don't want tattoos on my hips, stomach, or boobs. But, all I can say is thank GOD for my youthful skin. Sure, I might be mistaken for a junior high student at the dentist, but hot damn I have good skin. My mom looks ten years younger than she really does, and so does her mom. Neither of them is saggy. So I expect my tatts to look good well into my 60s. Plus, the key to avoiding sag is staying plump. Not a problem!
I worry that certain guys won't want to date me if I have tattoos. Then I remember that my propensity to swear a lot, rave about feminism, and smoke ciggz all night probably weeds out all the guys who get scared off by tattoos. Would I really even want a guy who couldn't stand to go under the needle himself?
I ultimately worry what my family thinks. At least this summer I've been able to prove that I am not a degenerate heroin user with an addiction to midget hookers. I make good arts and crafts, I don't smoke around babies (or at all, as far as they're concerned). I wash the dishes. My tattoo has not sent me spiraling into a doomed future of trailer parks and Wendy's drive-thru's.
Which I hope they remember when I get my next tattoo. Yeah, I want another one. Really soon. Here's what I'm thinking. "be balanced". A line from bon iver's life-giving song "skinny love" and also a subtle tribute to being a libra. I want it to circle the top of my left forearm (eff. why is it always the left?? my nose is pierced on the left side too!). lowercase cursive script which I have already picked thanks to da font.com. What does it mean to me? The song skinny love connects me to a lot of people. The Guy who first showed me Bon Iver. A different Guy with whom I used to drive around/lay around/ all around and sing skinny love a lot. Melissa heard bon iver for the first time when I played him for her. The song is sad and sweet, a lot like my sophomore year of college. And the phrase itself reminds me of how important it is for me to balance my life. My life was very unbalanced last year and I really suffered because of it.
Man! I feel like I've just exposed a little bit of my soul. So, this tatt is a LOT bolder and more present than my lil bitty foot tatt. It only increases my above fears about marriage, men, and family. Still not too freaked about jobs, since a) I love cardigans and b) my chances at employment in general seem slim. I don't know what my parents would do if I got a second tatt. I hope that they accept it quietly with a disapproving air. Worse case scenario... they kill me? Take away the car they lovingly provided? Make me pay room and board? I was thinking maybe I would get it and just wear sleeves for a while, and then be like, ta daa! You didn't know about it, but it was there, and I wasn't any different! My therapist, surprisingly, is all for me getting it. Michelle is worried that they will flip out and thinks its a bad idea. Now, if I told Michelle not to do something because its a bad idea, she would just do it for spite. Just sayin'.
I've spent the day checking out tattoos. I googled "should I get a tattoo?" in a Magic 8 Ball attempt for guidance. I even
found an online Magic 8 Ball and asked. It said "definitely." I read all the same articles I read last summer about the pros and cons of tatts. The truth is, some people will always love them, and some people will hate them. I think they're almost always gorgeous. Oh, man. I can't wait for my next tattoo.
My first day of school outfit! Tunic from Urban Outfitters, Leggins and silver bangles from WalMart, Belt from Pac Sun, Loafer wedges from Payless. The necklaces are self-made.
This is my life partner, she wanted to be photographed too. She's wearing a Chiodos t-shirt, Bullhead jeans, and white Chucks. Her necklace and bracelet were made by me.
Today's outfit. The tunic, cardigan and scarf are from Old Navy. The leggings and silver bangles are from WalMart. The flats are from Charlotte Russe, and the blue bangle (on forearm) is from Laila Rose.
Michelle my life partner, wearing various clothes she "borrowed" from sorority sisters.
I was trying to ironically wear the sweater vest, but its more straight up prepster. I can't hide my love for argyle. Sweater Vest, NY & Co. Grey shirt, Old Navy. Jeans, AmEagle. Necklace, self made. Flats, WalMart.
